already worth it all

wherever we were goin, well we're here

2009-12-11T23:52:00.000-08:00

when i was in elementary school i knew exactly what i was going to do with my life. i was going to grow up and go to high school in the town that i lived. then i would go to cedarville university where both my parents went. i was going to become an elementary school teacher. then i would move back to be with my best friend, becca. we were going to live next to each so that our kids could grow up together. when we got really old and our husbands died, we'd have some good times together in the retirement home. so beautiful, and so simple.

if no one has learned anything else in life, i am sure that most have noticed that things don't always go the way you planned them. i moved to chicago when i was in sixth grade, leaving all my friends behind. i went to a private high school. i am currently attending judson university. i am studying to be a graphic designer. becca and i don't really talk anymore because we have so little in common. oh ya, and i have no clue what im going to do with my life.

nine months later, i thot i knew more of who i was. yet, i find myself in the exact same place that i was in before. failure. such a crush to any sort of life that i had left in me. there is nothing anymore.

i still do not know why i am here.

even when the storm comes, i am washed by the water

2009-03-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

its always been hard for me to believe in myself. even harder when i know that i might be the only one believing in me at that point. fortunately i hav lots of people that love me, which is such a blessing. but when it gets so hard, and so hopeless, as this whole year has been, it gets really hard to believe in anything, especially myself. i usually just want to quit. which im sure my mother can tell you first hand. i am good at quitting. when things get too hard, and i feel like a failure, i quit. ive never really seen what exactly is wrong with that... cuz if im not good at it why should i pursue it further. the problem is that im just not good at much of anything so i end up pursuing things that are already destined to fail. well here i am, with heart broken time and time again just waiting for an answer.

why am i here.

she would give everything for happy ever after

2009-02-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

this song might hav actually been written about me...

She loves her mama's lemonade
And hates the sound that goodbye's make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference
Between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her
And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees make her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's given boys what they want
And tries to act nonchalant
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection
She's not a drama queen
She doesn't want to feel this way
Only 17 but tired

She would change everything, for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is but no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

joy to the world

2008-12-18T08:06:00.000-08:00

i realize that is a christmas song, and relatively inappropriate for the topic i am about to embark on, but none the less i thought that it was somewhat relavent since its christmas time. so i stayed up all night, which is really not news cuz i do that all the time, but the reasons why i stay up all night is the interesting part. tonight i stayed up to watch tv shows. four episodes of House MD and two episodes of Secret Millionaire. both found me looking at myself differently. i want to be a doctor so i can help people, heal them and make them happy again. but i hate blood and i know that would never work. watching their gratitude though and knowing that they are helping others just makes me want to be a part of it. on the other hand, secret millionaire is a show about real people who have real needs and have them met in large quantities of money. these people that are getting helped are the most selfless people ever. its funny how when you look at the people who have the least, and live on basically nothing, you find that they are the most generous. but when you turn around and look at those who actually have significant amounts to give, they are the most selfish people you will ever meet. it honestly breaks my heart, which is cliche i realize, but i really cant describe that pain and ache i feel any other way. it makes me want to help so many more people. it makes me wish i was a millionaire so i could give it all away. i have more than i could ever need and what i have most people wouldnt even consider to be that much or that great. thank you God for everything, really.

its in these moments, however, when i find myself wishing i could do more for my family members as well. my mom is sick. but she has to work cuz we cant live on just my dads income since he lost his job. hes lost his job four times in the last eight years. all that and he was never doing what he really wanted to do in the first place, work with young people as a youth pastor and change lives. now, instead, he works at a job that doesnt even require a high school diploma just to pay the bills. my mom stopped working when i was in second grade. shes a teacher and shes really good at it too. she always wanted to work, but she got too tired to keep up with everything. i can tell that she misses it alot sometimes. now shes working as a tutor while working on her masters degree but the place she works hasnt paid her in a month or two. all this while they are trying to pay for me and my brothers tuition. my mom has never liked this house and she has always wished to own a home that she could be truly proud of. having rheumatoid arthritis and myasthenia gravis has taken an extreme toll on her body causing her to lose weight, be in almost constant pain, and have lower energy levels. if you met her, youd hardly be able to tell tho. stuff like this is hard, cuz theres so much i wish i could give. to everyone. shes in the emergency room right now, getting medicine for her swallowing problems. last time this happened it took over two years to pay the bills. now we have terrible insurance, im actually not insured at all, and with things even worse now than they were then, it will probably take longer. i cant even tell you how many nights i have turned off the lights, layed down on the floor, and cried as i listened to them talk about our financial situation. they made so many sacrifices for us. especially my mom. too many. way too many. i want to help. i want to fix things. but i hav nothing. i cant make things go away and i certainly cant make things much better. i love them.

i dont say this so that you pity me. its basically just for me to say what all is on my mind since i hav no one to talk to. no one reads this anyway so im not exactly concerned. i just wish that this christmas could be the one where i do something or give them something that would really make a difference. too bad that all requires money and other stuff that i dont hav. just me, God and our love. merry christmas.

well God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in their shoes

2008-11-03T00:57:00.000-08:00

spent the day in chicago today. not unusual for a weekend here at college. it was just a bit of a different trip i guess. thats why im gonna write about it. i dont write things here to fill space, or waste time. i only write when i really have something to say. i dont know exactly what it is that i am trying to get across just yet, but hopefully it makes sense in the end.

i am a white, educated, middle-class, suburbanite who has two loving parents, a younger brother, and a dog. i drive a 2001 honda civic that i share with my brother, my dad has a 1992 lexus and my mom drives a 2002 dodge grand caravan. i live in a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with a garage and our own yard in front and back. when i am not there, i live in a dorm room with two other girls where i have my own bed, desk, closet and heating and air conditioning. i go out to eat at least twice a week, there is always food in my dorm room, and lunch and dinner are served daily. i have always considered school to be a waste of time and am always thinking of things i would rather be doing. i have my own cell phone with unlimited text messaging and unlimited calls. i have never had less than $150 to my name. i have always had a place to live, food to eat, clothes on my back, and money in my pockets, but i would like a new ipod, a coach purse, a bmw, a tiffanys bracelet, a new cell phone, a wardrobe from american eagle, and a digital slr camera.

and as u begin to think "you ungrateful, selfish bastard".... i hope you realize that this is probably a fairly accurate description of yourself in at least one area or another, and then you probably know where this is going. well you're wrong. there is not going to be a guilt trip. you already know exactly what im talking about.

you see, what made the trip to chicago different is that as we were walking around aimlessly taking pictures, we came to cabrini green. if you dont know what this is, you should probably get educated, but its basically the north side ghetto. government housing facilities that turned into grounds for gangs, drugs and violence. we crossed the street and stood on the corner and got some pictures of the row houses. they reminded me of a prison camp. knowing it wasnt a good area, we walked away down the street. on the next block we came to what appeared to be an abandoned apartment building. as we were shooting some pictures from this side of the iron fence, a shorter black woman in her 50s or 60s using a cane, began to walk up the walkway into the building. in shock at realizing that people actually lived there, she turned to us and asked if we would like to come inside and take pictures. i politely turned her down, then turned to my friend, and decided that we would go with her. we walked up hesitantly towards the entrance, she turned and simply said that no one was going to bother us. as we simply absorbed the entrance, which had no doors, just doorways, and the graffiti that flooded the walls that were blood red as we entered, my heart raced with fear, anticipation and my heart sunk. on the wall inside there was a picture of a boy who had been killed, surrounded by the signatures and messages of the hundreds who lived there and had known him. she took us out back, near the playground. above our heads there were balconies that had been lined with metal fencing so that people could not fall, or jump out. like a cage or jail cell. we stood there taking pictures, and then this 12 year old boy came over yelling at us for taking pictures. the woman responded that it was none of his business. he walked up and asked us what we were doing, and we all looked at him scared speechless. he asked if we were photographing the walls, i replied yes. we then turned and thanked the woman, and walked out. we continued down the street in silence, pondering all the boarded windows and darkness that embodied the building. harsh reality that we would like to ignore.

i tried my best to leave this all on your machine

2008-08-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

is that really how this is? all this time i thought youd change and finally understand that what you have is precious. well i guess not. i guess that you actually still cant stop thinking about the one person that everyone else thinks about and the only person that you actually seem to care about. apparently thats the only person that can truly make you happy. no one else can measure up to that person who has extraordinarily high perfection levels. that person doesnt do anything wrong, but when they do its all okay and nobody really stops to ask questions. its strange isnt it that even though this person has more than any other person could really dream about having, they are not only unhappy and left wanting more, but insanely ungrateful for what they have always had. even after disaster strikes, that person becomes even less thankful and takes it all for granted, but you keep on idolizing them in your mind. funny how that works. if you could ever stop to look around you, which at this point we all know you obviously cant, youd see that all the people closest to you are hurting, but still only that one person occupies your thoughts. you dont even blink when they are completely distraught, unless of course it could somehow benefit that person that you think about constantly. this all seems so obvious to those around you, but it seems that you have been blinded by that person who happens to be standing between you and happiness if you could only let them go and see some other people you might actually understand it truly means to be joyful.
so it really shouldnt come as a surprise, that "that person" is actually you.

"Life is a period of time in which everyone tries to get what they want while taking for granted what they already have."

and then i'm left in bits recovering

2008-07-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

can't really say. all i kno is there is nothing and everything left. i feel it moving. but how. there is pain that has cut deeper than a sword through the stomach. and compassion that is stronger than that of a mother. why have things become this way. it's never been this difficult before. it has always been there, but no. there is fear. there is tenderness. there is hurt. there is longing. there is remorse. there is sadness. there is anger. there is hope. and it all makes nothing because it is lost and alone. it meets no one else. it sees so little. reaching forward it tries to break but is forgotten. and it needs to have that. so far. whats happening. can't really say.

spin me round again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening

2008-06-24T00:04:00.000-07:00

there are things that people say all the time that really only needed to be said once in order to make their point. there are other things that are constantly said and people end up becoming completely dulled to the affect of it. this, however, is neither. because death is something that has affected everyone in every culture. there is no escaping it. there will be great pain because worst of all, there is no easy way to deal with it. "I guess that's how death works. It doesn't matter if we're ready or not. It just happens." life is too short and too fast. we spend no time in the moment. always only in the past and the future. but when tragedy hits, we regret not having held our breath in the minutes we can never get back, can hardly remember and yet will try to relive for the rest of our lives. life is a period of time in which everyone tries to get what they want while taking for granted what they already have. God has made us to enjoy all of his creation. we also must suffer the consequences of the fall on a daily basis. we do not understand why things happen, like why death is such a big part of our society, but we do know that we can have a choice in the way we live each day. this is not how it has to be.

"Let's really look at one another! ...I can't. I can't go on. It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? -- every, every minute?"

love will take us where, something's beautiful

2008-06-23T00:57:00.000-07:00

ya its been a while, but never mind about that. on saturday i was privileged to be in attendance at the marriage of shannon kennedy and michael hoyt. it was an absolutely wonderful wedding filled with so much laughter, joy, tears, love, and happiness.

definitely the smallest, but most intimate wedding i've ever been to. as any young girl probably does, i've been thinking about my marriage since i understood the meaning of the word. don't get me wrong, i still think about it, in fact we all (the girls all young at heart) spent a fairly large portion of saturday discussing what our weddings would be like. it's such an exciting time of celebration and there is really no better way to describe joy than at a wedding. it is really impossible to be upset in any way because the bride and groom are bursting and overflowing with joyous emotions. there is so much love and tenderness that you can't get angry. weddings seem to have an almost addictive feeling. you wish you could just stay in this state of sheer wonder and awe of true, pure love and the amazing joy, not happiness, but joy that it gives off to all those who are around it. this is truly what i saw in shannon and mike and their families. of course they were reflecting the only true love that we know, that of jesus christ. but they were excellent representatives. their love, and now marriage is and i believe will be inspiring. may i now offer congratulations and gratitude.

its five minutes to midnight

2008-05-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

so school is done and im sitting at home on my laptop. a wonderful feeling really. but at the same time ive really only traded prison cells. now im working instead of school stuff but at least that is homework free! seeing as how its memorial day, also known as the official start of summer in the heart of most Americans, i cant help thinking about the actually summerness of life. summer is really only designed to be enjoyed by children. they're the ones who have nothing else to do but enjoy God's creation and eat sweet, sticky treats for the whole of those glorious three months. once you enter the adult world, which for me was at age thirteen, and you start working through the whole summer, you are restrained from enjoying so much of what summer used to mean to you. your life is now controlled by your work schedule, or as of late, gas prices, but thats another subject thats not for me to talk about ever. how can the greatest season be enjoyed at all if you are being controlled and not in fact 'free' as the the very word "summer" implies to everyone? hard to say. this is my bitterness at the moment. i just love summer so much that i really wish i could spend more time actually enjoying it and less time feeling like i dont even have a summer. but ya, anyways, i think i will promise myself now to stop complaining so much on this blog. we'll see how that goes. until later, toodles.

and we've already won

2008-04-22T13:23:00.001-07:00

a simple thought to ponder, from one of my favorite professors. we were discussing some things the other day, because he loves to talk to people about things, everything from our actual projects to all of our life issues. he truly wants to get to know us. which is cool. i was extremely stressed about this project that i had just spent like a week and a half straight working on with hardly any sleep or food. it was great. not. but anyway so he gave me a pretty bad grade on it and i was freakin out cuz i just couldn't handle anymore stress. he just came up to me and said that it was okay to be angry, cuz thats what he wanted, and that those other people who didnt put in the work but got a better grade didnt matter cuz they wouldnt take away as much from the experience as i was going to and that it is more important that people know your work ethic and what you are capable of than the grade you got on a project because no one in the real world cares about your grades. this was quite a plateful. and it made me extremely upset at first because i was just like BUT NOBODY KNOWS THAT I DESERVED A BETTER GRADE OR THAT I WORKED REALLY HARD OR THAT YOU THINK IVE DONE GREAT THIS YEAR!!! ALL THEY KNOW IS THAT I GOT A D+ yea... A FREAKIN D+... THATS ALL!!! but as i sat thinking about this, knowing that it was all going to be okay since i was going to pass the class, i realized that this is actually a much better picture of reality than i had ever thought classes could be. In life, we all have really hard times and we all feel like we have trials that we are unable to handle and we all want to give up because weve tried so hard and have nothing to show for it. and alot of the time it seems like the world around us has everything so much better, and they dont have any problems like we do. but the thing is... theres more to life than having proof of what you've done in your life. having an "easy" life isnt going to help you grow at all, like all those moments when you've turned to God for guidance because you couldnt go on. He has taught us more in those most painful times, than any other in our lives and many people have not experienced this type of learning and growth. so its okay if we get upset or frustrated because He is teaching us to become better people. God knows who we are and He is helping us get through everything in our lives. He will neve giv us more than we can handle. grades dont matter.

o for a thousand tongues to sing my great redeemers praise

2008-04-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

tonite i went to this night of worship called ignite at the church that i have been going to for about 9 months now. they were recording their first worship cd that they will sell later on. i was excited going into it, not knowing really what to expect although they always have good worship on sunday mornings, so there probably wouldn't be a letdown there. i went with two of my friends, and we got there and hung out with some of the college kids before we were escorted backstage and given front row seats. like i literally sat in the second row. slightly unbelievable, seeing as how i usually sit like five rows from the back in a 40 row auditorium.

we sat down and waited until it began. pastor jim sat right in front of us, and he spoke a couple of times which increased the amount of passion growing in the room. we sang and shouted and prayed and it was awesome. it was so evident that God was there from the very beginning. so many people in one room on fire for Him. it was an unbelievable experience. every word that was uttered was lifted in holy devotion to Him. and as we had been singing for about an hour, it hit me... this is what Heaven will be like. singing, shouting, dancing, laughing... all giving complete praise and honor to Him. and that could have lasted so much longer, and here on earth we would grow weary and tired, but up there we never will. we never will. can you imagine how bright that flame will burn? if here on earth we feel it inside us as if we could explode? oh God You are our God, and we will ever praise You. let the fire burn, now and forever as a reminder of where we will soon be, with Him.

just taking breaths to stay

2008-04-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

so the number one highlight of this day. so far at least because trust me people, the night/day is young. is that i did in fact stick an ice cream cone in joanie's face and then she spilled it on the carpet. but that isn't the most important thing that happened. the winner of that title would be the fact that i got all my classes picked out for next year. i am very glad to have this over with because it was getting kinda stressful just thinking about it. but now i know, u know? so less stress. always a good thing. although it happens so rarely. it rained alot today. and normally i hate bringing up the weather in any type of conversation because i feel extremely shallow. but i would like to say that i hate cold rainyness. but it was far more enjoyable with the rubber boots that haley let me borrow! i got to splash in puddles. pretty much wonderful fun. sadly today i missed the new office episode but i was tired so i slept. so much to do, so little time. i get really frustrated with always having to choose what my tradeoff is going to be. should i give up my life today or my grades? yeah definitely not the ideal situation. because most of the time i care about both, but if i have to choose one, then the grades are going to get shafted. there is so much more to life than knowing you got an A in every class you took. please.

on a completely different note, one of my new favorite youtube videos:
Achmed The Dead Terrorist. its pretty funny. i think you will enjoy it. mostly. and no, i dont agree with everything he says or watever. just dont jump down my throat for it or anything and try enjoying it. bah. luvs.

welcome to the real world she said to me, condescendingly

2008-04-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

so i just got this new blog and am very excited about using it. that's all really. hopefully things will get more interesting on here and ill remember to post! lol