joy to the world

i realize that is a christmas song, and relatively inappropriate for the topic i am about to embark on, but none the less i thought that it was somewhat relavent since its christmas time. so i stayed up all night, which is really not news cuz i do that all the time, but the reasons why i stay up all night is the interesting part. tonight i stayed up to watch tv shows. four episodes of House MD and two episodes of Secret Millionaire. both found me looking at myself differently. i want to be a doctor so i can help people, heal them and make them happy again. but i hate blood and i know that would never work. watching their gratitude though and knowing that they are helping others just makes me want to be a part of it. on the other hand, secret millionaire is a show about real people who have real needs and have them met in large quantities of money. these people that are getting helped are the most selfless people ever. its funny how when you look at the people who have the least, and live on basically nothing, you find that they are the most generous. but when you turn around and look at those who actually have significant amounts to give, they are the most selfish people you will ever meet. it honestly breaks my heart, which is cliche i realize, but i really cant describe that pain and ache i feel any other way. it makes me want to help so many more people. it makes me wish i was a millionaire so i could give it all away. i have more than i could ever need and what i have most people wouldnt even consider to be that much or that great. thank you God for everything, really.

its in these moments, however, when i find myself wishing i could do more for my family members as well. my mom is sick. but she has to work cuz we cant live on just my dads income since he lost his job. hes lost his job four times in the last eight years. all that and he was never doing what he really wanted to do in the first place, work with young people as a youth pastor and change lives. now, instead, he works at a job that doesnt even require a high school diploma just to pay the bills. my mom stopped working when i was in second grade. shes a teacher and shes really good at it too. she always wanted to work, but she got too tired to keep up with everything. i can tell that she misses it alot sometimes. now shes working as a tutor while working on her masters degree but the place she works hasnt paid her in a month or two. all this while they are trying to pay for me and my brothers tuition. my mom has never liked this house and she has always wished to own a home that she could be truly proud of. having rheumatoid arthritis and myasthenia gravis has taken an extreme toll on her body causing her to lose weight, be in almost constant pain, and have lower energy levels. if you met her, youd hardly be able to tell tho. stuff like this is hard, cuz theres so much i wish i could give. to everyone. shes in the emergency room right now, getting medicine for her swallowing problems. last time this happened it took over two years to pay the bills. now we have terrible insurance, im actually not insured at all, and with things even worse now than they were then, it will probably take longer. i cant even tell you how many nights i have turned off the lights, layed down on the floor, and cried as i listened to them talk about our financial situation. they made so many sacrifices for us. especially my mom. too many. way too many. i want to help. i want to fix things. but i hav nothing. i cant make things go away and i certainly cant make things much better. i love them.

i dont say this so that you pity me. its basically just for me to say what all is on my mind since i hav no one to talk to. no one reads this anyway so im not exactly concerned. i just wish that this christmas could be the one where i do something or give them something that would really make a difference. too bad that all requires money and other stuff that i dont hav. just me, God and our love. merry christmas.