even when the storm comes, i am washed by the water

its always been hard for me to believe in myself. even harder when i know that i might be the only one believing in me at that point. fortunately i hav lots of people that love me, which is such a blessing. but when it gets so hard, and so hopeless, as this whole year has been, it gets really hard to believe in anything, especially myself. i usually just want to quit. which im sure my mother can tell you first hand. i am good at quitting. when things get too hard, and i feel like a failure, i quit. ive never really seen what exactly is wrong with that... cuz if im not good at it why should i pursue it further. the problem is that im just not good at much of anything so i end up pursuing things that are already destined to fail. well here i am, with heart broken time and time again just waiting for an answer.

why am i here.

she would give everything for happy ever after

this song might hav actually been written about me...


She loves her mama's lemonade
And hates the sound that goodbye's make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference
Between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her
And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees make her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's given boys what they want
And tries to act nonchalant
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection
She's not a drama queen
She doesn't want to feel this way
Only 17 but tired

She would change everything, for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is but no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

joy to the world

i realize that is a christmas song, and relatively inappropriate for the topic i am about to embark on, but none the less i thought that it was somewhat relavent since its christmas time. so i stayed up all night, which is really not news cuz i do that all the time, but the reasons why i stay up all night is the interesting part. tonight i stayed up to watch tv shows. four episodes of House MD and two episodes of Secret Millionaire. both found me looking at myself differently. i want to be a doctor so i can help people, heal them and make them happy again. but i hate blood and i know that would never work. watching their gratitude though and knowing that they are helping others just makes me want to be a part of it. on the other hand, secret millionaire is a show about real people who have real needs and have them met in large quantities of money. these people that are getting helped are the most selfless people ever. its funny how when you look at the people who have the least, and live on basically nothing, you find that they are the most generous. but when you turn around and look at those who actually have significant amounts to give, they are the most selfish people you will ever meet. it honestly breaks my heart, which is cliche i realize, but i really cant describe that pain and ache i feel any other way. it makes me want to help so many more people. it makes me wish i was a millionaire so i could give it all away. i have more than i could ever need and what i have most people wouldnt even consider to be that much or that great. thank you God for everything, really.

its in these moments, however, when i find myself wishing i could do more for my family members as well. my mom is sick. but she has to work cuz we cant live on just my dads income since he lost his job. hes lost his job four times in the last eight years. all that and he was never doing what he really wanted to do in the first place, work with young people as a youth pastor and change lives. now, instead, he works at a job that doesnt even require a high school diploma just to pay the bills. my mom stopped working when i was in second grade. shes a teacher and shes really good at it too. she always wanted to work, but she got too tired to keep up with everything. i can tell that she misses it alot sometimes. now shes working as a tutor while working on her masters degree but the place she works hasnt paid her in a month or two. all this while they are trying to pay for me and my brothers tuition. my mom has never liked this house and she has always wished to own a home that she could be truly proud of. having rheumatoid arthritis and myasthenia gravis has taken an extreme toll on her body causing her to lose weight, be in almost constant pain, and have lower energy levels. if you met her, youd hardly be able to tell tho. stuff like this is hard, cuz theres so much i wish i could give. to everyone. shes in the emergency room right now, getting medicine for her swallowing problems. last time this happened it took over two years to pay the bills. now we have terrible insurance, im actually not insured at all, and with things even worse now than they were then, it will probably take longer. i cant even tell you how many nights i have turned off the lights, layed down on the floor, and cried as i listened to them talk about our financial situation. they made so many sacrifices for us. especially my mom. too many. way too many. i want to help. i want to fix things. but i hav nothing. i cant make things go away and i certainly cant make things much better. i love them.

i dont say this so that you pity me. its basically just for me to say what all is on my mind since i hav no one to talk to. no one reads this anyway so im not exactly concerned. i just wish that this christmas could be the one where i do something or give them something that would really make a difference. too bad that all requires money and other stuff that i dont hav. just me, God and our love. merry christmas.

well God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in their shoes

spent the day in chicago today. not unusual for a weekend here at college. it was just a bit of a different trip i guess. thats why im gonna write about it. i dont write things here to fill space, or waste time. i only write when i really have something to say. i dont know exactly what it is that i am trying to get across just yet, but hopefully it makes sense in the end.

i am a white, educated, middle-class, suburbanite who has two loving parents, a younger brother, and a dog. i drive a 2001 honda civic that i share with my brother, my dad has a 1992 lexus and my mom drives a 2002 dodge grand caravan. i live in a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with a garage and our own yard in front and back. when i am not there, i live in a dorm room with two other girls where i have my own bed, desk, closet and heating and air conditioning. i go out to eat at least twice a week, there is always food in my dorm room, and lunch and dinner are served daily. i have always considered school to be a waste of time and am always thinking of things i would rather be doing. i have my own cell phone with unlimited text messaging and unlimited calls. i have never had less than $150 to my name. i have always had a place to live, food to eat, clothes on my back, and money in my pockets, but i would like a new ipod, a coach purse, a bmw, a tiffanys bracelet, a new cell phone, a wardrobe from american eagle, and a digital slr camera.

and as u begin to think "you ungrateful, selfish bastard".... i hope you realize that this is probably a fairly accurate description of yourself in at least one area or another, and then you probably know where this is going. well you're wrong. there is not going to be a guilt trip. you already know exactly what im talking about.

you see, what made the trip to chicago different is that as we were walking around aimlessly taking pictures, we came to cabrini green. if you dont know what this is, you should probably get educated, but its basically the north side ghetto. government housing facilities that turned into grounds for gangs, drugs and violence. we crossed the street and stood on the corner and got some pictures of the row houses. they reminded me of a prison camp. knowing it wasnt a good area, we walked away down the street. on the next block we came to what appeared to be an abandoned apartment building. as we were shooting some pictures from this side of the iron fence, a shorter black woman in her 50s or 60s using a cane, began to walk up the walkway into the building. in shock at realizing that people actually lived there, she turned to us and asked if we would like to come inside and take pictures. i politely turned her down, then turned to my friend, and decided that we would go with her. we walked up hesitantly towards the entrance, she turned and simply said that no one was going to bother us. as we simply absorbed the entrance, which had no doors, just doorways, and the graffiti that flooded the walls that were blood red as we entered, my heart raced with fear, anticipation and my heart sunk. on the wall inside there was a picture of a boy who had been killed, surrounded by the signatures and messages of the hundreds who lived there and had known him. she took us out back, near the playground. above our heads there were balconies that had been lined with metal fencing so that people could not fall, or jump out. like a cage or jail cell. we stood there taking pictures, and then this 12 year old boy came over yelling at us for taking pictures. the woman responded that it was none of his business. he walked up and asked us what we were doing, and we all looked at him scared speechless. he asked if we were photographing the walls, i replied yes. we then turned and thanked the woman, and walked out. we continued down the street in silence, pondering all the boarded windows and darkness that embodied the building. harsh reality that we would like to ignore.

i tried my best to leave this all on your machine

is that really how this is? all this time i thought youd change and finally understand that what you have is precious. well i guess not. i guess that you actually still cant stop thinking about the one person that everyone else thinks about and the only person that you actually seem to care about. apparently thats the only person that can truly make you happy. no one else can measure up to that person who has extraordinarily high perfection levels. that person doesnt do anything wrong, but when they do its all okay and nobody really stops to ask questions. its strange isnt it that even though this person has more than any other person could really dream about having, they are not only unhappy and left wanting more, but insanely ungrateful for what they have always had. even after disaster strikes, that person becomes even less thankful and takes it all for granted, but you keep on idolizing them in your mind. funny how that works. if you could ever stop to look around you, which at this point we all know you obviously cant, youd see that all the people closest to you are hurting, but still only that one person occupies your thoughts. you dont even blink when they are completely distraught, unless of course it could somehow benefit that person that you think about constantly. this all seems so obvious to those around you, but it seems that you have been blinded by that person who happens to be standing between you and happiness if you could only let them go and see some other people you might actually understand it truly means to be joyful.
so it really shouldnt come as a surprise, that "that person" is actually you.



"Life is a period of time in which everyone tries to get what they want while taking for granted what they already have."